School run

Shes just left to take him to school, watched from window crying.

Cant get rid of this feeling.

Phone lawyer later to find out about my court again.

wish she would touch me more than anything, wish she would look in my eyes and just love me.

Crossroads

Dont know where to start, found a way to see the mobile phone bills online for past 3 years nearly. Lots of numbers, lots of guys, mostly from west end, some England. 10 minute call to payment line for construction equipment, I called and it’s for payments if you want to buy or hire huge building equipment, or stay on the line to be put through to member of staff to speak directly. Longest call 1 hour 29 mins. I asked her about it and she got angry and shouted a lot at me in front of the wee man, kept shouting I’ve not done anything and I’m not the only person to have had that phone. All the calls have the date and time obv tho and I connecting them from my phone book to Facebook and most of them use it for messaging and it tells you there name and shows profile, there all her age and from where she grew up.

Have serious thoughts about the possibility that I’m not my sons biological father, certain things don’t add up and she had a std before he was conceived so it’s just another thing I’ve been hiding from.

My whole brain has been screaming at me ever since, want to die want to die want to die.

Was at lawyers again today, he said I’ve to give serious thought about taking the plea bargain they will offer me on the day of the trial, it will cut my sentence but st the same time guarantee that I do a custodial and possibly held on remand while they do background reports for sentencing so will mean I get took away to prison there and then that day. If I don’t I might get away with it completely on self defence or case through out by judge when it finally goes to trial or get a much longer sentence.

I sat down beside her, calm and as non aggressive as I could and said what my lawyer told me, to think about nothing but if I take my plea bargain because on the day I only have 10 minutes to decide. She said why, you’ll plead not guilty and that’s what we always agreed. I said back if there’s any insecurity in our family and our home I want to use the prison as a chance to force the brakeup and finalise it between us so our son doesn’t get hurt when he’s older, and what if I said I’ve looked through every phone number on your mobile bill for the past couple of years and I know you’ve been talking to guys. She hit out with a lot of lies and then said she doesn’t care anymore. She hasn’t phoned anyone or done anything with anyone.

I just don’t know

Hate myself so much, wish I was dead. Most of there Facebook stuff was really fancy hotels, stuff I couldn’t dream about never mind actually experience. He’d be better without me I fucking know he would. Even if he isn’t my biological son he’s mine and I’ll always love him. I hope he’s always ok.

You Want To Know It Didn’t Hurt Me

Im laying down after work before I go up to my mum and dads to cut my little big brothers hair. The to plays her dance mums in the living room and the wee man is in his room on the iPad, my daughter hasn’t been down for around 3 weeks now so I’m not sure what’s going on there but I’m sure it’s something to do with me or the wee mans mum, or her mum perhaps.

Court has a new trial diet date set for a couple weeks then trial starts again next month. I’ll be found guilty then given 3 and a half years in birlinnie or it will be extended again for another date or thrown out. Expect the worst hope for the best.

My eating has been bad, really bad and starting to show so it’s all layers and long sleeves again. It’s not affecting my quality of work or thoughts that much I don’t think.

Wish I was dead over and over in my head all day and night, I don’t like sleep any more, the restlessness and bad dreams have spoiled it for me completely so that sucks big time.

My little big brother was taken to hospital. He went to the doctors because he hadn’t been feeling well and it turns out he’s had a chest infection for a couple of months and his oxygen level in his blood was badly low, as soon as I heard I was overly worried and wanted to hurt everybody who had ever done him wrong. He’s OK now but to stay at our parents so they can watch for any changes in his health over a week or so.

My son is doing amazing at school and I can’t believe he’s going to the same primary school I did. He’s amazing at everything and his horse riding and jumping is unbelievable, his trainer is amazed at how well he does it for his age. A older boy pulled his hair in school and was swearing at him so that got dealt with straight away and the other boy will be closely watched. The hurt that filled inside me when he told me was immense, I just wanted to cry but I always hold myself together with him, obv as a parent you have to. So things are great with his education and circle of friends in school.

My daughter is going to leave after she finishes her exams and stuff to go to college so I’ve bribed her with a pair of Gucci trainers if she does good in the exams, she went absolutely mental going through the Internet to pick a pair but the novelty soon wore off and I’ve not seen her much since. She probably won’t be back up till her results are through and she gets the trainers, that hurts me that I don’t see her much but I’m glad she has a life and is confident enough in our relationship now that she can say no if she wants to. Ohhhh fuck I forgot I moaned at her when I was in a bad mood a little because I asked to see her teeth now she got her braces out and she wouldn’t acknowledge me, I asked about 5 times and she ignored me, so I replied that what she’s doing isn’t good behaviour for someone who get spoiled so much by me then walked off into my bedroom in a huff, no wonder she hasnt been up much. I’ll say sorry and tell her I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’ll do anything she wants to make up for it.

My relationship with my partner is so broke I asked her if she wants me to leave. I think she tried to have me attacked or something because I took her to Asda the other night and she got out the car and 2 guys were standing there, she got a trolley and walked up to the 2 guys then signaled me to get out the car and come over. I was with my middle big brother and he said that one of the guys is the guy I was fighting with and have the ongoing court case about the altercation, the other guy I know and don’t like (she was with this person a few weeks ago when I arrived to pick her up after work). So she tried to get me out to these 2 people aver and over so I said to her to get back in the car and one of them starts shouting threats at me and all that shit, I’d have got out my car but he knows if I approach him never mind fight him I brake bail and then I’m held on remand till my case is dealt with. I’m so confused about this, would she try and set me up? Would she cheat with one of them and that’s why the persons been about again?. I feel she hates me and just doesn’t want to hurt my son by braking his family up.

I drove one day, for hours, for a big bridge to jump off, really big. I couldn’t do it from the erskin bridge because it would be too close to home and everything I know. So I drove and drove then pulled in for a cigarette and practiced what I would think about while falling, and cried about the state of my life, or what I feel to be the state of my life. And thought about the affect I’m going to have on my son. I don’t want him to feel the way I do, if I stay I’m probably going to ruin his life anyway and if I go statistics so I’m going to ruin his life as well. What’s the lesser of these fucking ruins A or B? I can’t actually amount to anything for him to be proud of, so I want to run away and kill myself and force the worst possible outcome but I can’t do that to him, I don’t know, if I’m gone and she moves on, she’d probably get something much better than me, then the wee man has a much better father figure in his life, and his mum will be happy so she won’t shout so much and home life would be quieter and more comfortable and secure for both of them. She’d probably get someone flashy and they would all do great luxury holidays twice a year with great family pictures of them all together.

I want to burn myself again, it’s the only thing I don’t do any more, that would be nice, the screaming pain.

Right ive got to go and see my little big brother and cut his hair, it’s horrendous ffs so can’t put it off lol

Love from Scotland x

Running Up That Hill

It’s 2:27am, totally silent and pitch black except the light from my phone.

My mum has been acting really different and negative all the time, she’s always moaning about my dad and how he’s always not well. I’m beginning to get concerned because it’s out of character.

It’s all the time for a while now, and I think I’ve just been ignoring it and putting it down to….. Dunno, something or anything really but her health.

I think I’ve got issues with my mum because of something from when I was in primary 6 or 7. And I feel I want to let go of it but can’t. I’ve never spoke of this to anyone and at the time I just wanted it all to just blow over and me not to be a part of it anymore. It’s been on the tip of my tongue with my sons mum but I don’t think I can ever tell her for some reason. Like it’s not my secret to have authority to decide who knows.

She took me with her one day to see some man at his house, we went in and they put a video on for me to watch then said they have to go talk about stuff upstairs and disappeared for a while. After on the way home she told me I can’t tell dad and by the time I got home had totally forgot about it. So we pulled up and my dad was at his car in the driveway and asked where we had been and I announced uncle so and so, but it was like he knew anyway. He instantly raged at my mum and sped off saying he isn’t coming back.

Now my mum is screaming it’s all my fault and all my brothers hear her so they wait till she goes into her room and interrogate me, and blame me for dad leaving, but I don’t want to say anything about what’s happened to them because the first time I mention it dad leaves and it’s all my fault.

I hated that time. It’s like a blank after that and I can’t remember dad coming back or anything at all like school or that either.

I know I hold a grudge about it with my mum, I think about it all the time, his words and the way he got a kick out telling me he was taking my mum up to the bedroom to “talk” with a sleazy laugh and grin.

I feel sick writing this and thinking about it, I hate having negative thoughts about my mum so much. It’s like I want to brake down and scream at her as loud as I can and tell her that’s a fucking horrible thing to do.

Anyway, I’ve been good on the weight gain (kind of) and eating but have had a couple bad days. I’ve not been bad to myself in a little while and no longer have to wear my plaster on my left hand to hide burn marks. I still wish I was dead an awful lot and hate the sight of myself and want to hurt mysel quickly and slowly in as many ways as I can but I’ve managed to keep these thoughts deep in my brain.

My son is excelling with his horse riding lessons and also school too, his behaviour in the house is questionable at time and in school he is the perfect child, so that’s what you would expect from a healthy young kid lol. He’s still grinding his teeth tho.

My daughter is doing well in school too and will be studying for exams soon, she will pass with decent grades. She is so beautiful I still honestly no word of a lie, I just stare sometimes thinking how the hell did anything from me be so beautiful.

Plans for next week, watch the new TMNT 👍 (You are awesome my friend, thank you for letting me know). Have you watched the new Westworld yet, I was very pleased with it. Hope you are well and big love from Scotland x

Right it’s 3:18am so better try get some sleep. Strength in continuance ✌️

Try try and try again

Im just finished cutting the wee man and his friends hair. Wee man got a trim and his friend got a “Ronaldo” haircut.

I don’t know why but feel uneasy and anxious, like I have too much energy in my body and my brain is going a million miles an hour. My brain is always going overdrive these days. A million thoughts all at once but I can’t single any of them out, if I try and think about something or concentrate on something, I automatically go into something else before I finish what I was thinking. Fuck this is hard to explain.

The new TMNT is out soon, as soon as I saw the advert I instantly thought what Canada thinks about it. She hasn’t wrote about it, i think she is too concerned with other aspects of life to care about anything TMNT. I am almost certain she reads this still going by my stats thing. I hope your doing good mofo, your a huge driving force in my life. I feel like you gave me but never got anything in return, not even a picture, I hate myself for that, I feel like a lier. I’ll do the doodle you said would be acceptable, i owe you that much at least.

Ive started my weight gain drinks again and will start running or something soon, think I’ve put half a stone on and I’ve not been too negative to myself about it. Court starts agin at the end of this month and start of next month for the trial to start, only in the uk can you expect such lengthy court proceedings but it allowed me to be guaranteed the time with my son to start primary school. That was my biggest concern, not being here for him to settle him into school, he went to nursery outside the area so he didn’t know any kids there and it’s one of the most important times of your life.

Well I better finish this up here coz it’s only 9pm and got to go out quickly.

Love from Scotland ✌️

The Weight Of The World

In work, radio playing and my brother sits in the front unaware I’m writing. The business isn’t doing good but the whole streets dead, perhaps I haven’t killed the shop completely but I feel and fear that I have.

My son has been acting funny around me, he doesn’t want my attention any more, I left it to see if he would snap out it but he never. The other day I asked him why he doesn’t want me to play with him any more, he went silent then stuttered a little. He says “well remember how mum doesn’t like you anymore?” “I don’t want to be your friend unless mum likes you”. He looked upset about it, he’s been grinding his teeth badly in his sleep too lately.

I don’t know what to do about it so I just said to him I understand and I’ll always do what he wants, I’ve dropped it and said he can always tell me anything and I won’t get upset or angry. I don’t know if I done right or not.

Hes lost a lot of weight over the past year, or he’s grown some and not put any weight on. I can’t stand it so I stressed it with his mum, put it in words she can understand. I told her if he doesn’t change his attitude to food now he will grow up like me, the person she hates and thinks is a skinny unattractive freak, I hope she gets it.

Better stop this now and do something else.