Bring It On

Well there’s a saying here, “It never rains but it pours”.

Let the shit fall down on me and I’ll only climb back up. Again and again and again.

love to Canada, hope your keeping well and I miss our time, I drew a picachu (months ago) with my son but he took it to school and it got demolished instantly. Next one I’ll get the pic so you can see.

love from Scotland x


I will be expecting

In my parents, in the old room we moved into after my son was born so we could all be together. Instead its the place where it all clicked together so I kind of hate it here.

Had a fight with my sons mum at lunchtime, because I had been going through this new twitter accounts friends list, looking at who it follows. More names on it from when I found the guys numbers and she opened up and was honest about some of the stuff she had been doing. She basically says I can’t prove it so she doesn’t give a fuck, well not basically, literally, it was her exact words back to me.

She said she will phone when my sons asleep and I can go collect my things, I’ll have to move my car tomorrow night. Told her to arrange for me to buy out my mobile phone and all that shit, fucking hate all this.

2 children with 2 woman and failed both, this isn’t what I want for life. If someone had said to me in school this is what my life would be like at this age I’d laugh at them, even if I thought it would be true there would be enough hope in me to actually just laugh at them and make a joke about how sad that would be.

I hope I’m making the right choice, it wouldn’t be healthy if I stay there knowing, would it? Could you have a happy life in that situation, I feel happy when I’m sticking my head in the sand and refusing to deal with it. I guess it would all fall sort in a few years no matter what anyway then that would be more damaging for my son to go through, surely if there’s no hope it’s best to…….. I want to say run away, is that what I’m doing, running away from my son because I’m selfish. I wish he was here beside me right now, hug and a kiss from him would take these tears that’s wanting to burst through right away. Sometimes he just squeezes me as hard as he can and it’s like something magics happening.

Anyway I better go, I hope she phones me later and then begs me to stay and says sorry, and tells me who it is and that she promises it’s all over, this won’t happen tho so I’ll probably write again in a week or something.

Free as a bird caught in a storm

So I’m free as a bird, I can do anything, go anywhere, all I need to do is get out of the storm and survive.

I should be happier, I should have been in the jail but instead I’m in my partners bed and my son sleeps beside me. Don’t get me wrong, I was just staring at his face there and can’t help but smile and think to myself I can’t ever leave you, never.

I don’t know if I should stay here tho, in this house, when I know she is cheating on me and she knows I know but doesn’t even care. I’ve told her over and over I’m terrified I’m going to kill muskeg and leave my son, and that he will hate me for it. It destroys me being with her knowing she still has contact with him, knowing I’m second best. I wish she loved me so we could have the family we used to have before it all changed. But in her own words “she loves me but she’s not in love with me and isn’t attracted to me”, so I fought and fought to win her back, till she said those words again and meant them but it’s never happened.

This is why I wanted to go to jail, to accept the plea bargain and use it as time for the wee man to get used to is being separated and then she wouldn’t feel guilty about having to tell me to leave and split our sons family apart.

So that’s the shite out the way, something else now. Ahhh the wee mans birthday party was last weekend, it was good. For his birthday we hired out a softplay for all his friends from class and got a pikatchu to come out and dance and give him a new mega GX Pokemon set. For his actually presents he got a Nintendo 3ds and games and Pokemon stuff and millions of other things too so he is obviously very spoiled but I can’t help it. I think it’s because I never got to see my daughter growing up I spoil my son, and my daughter too obviously. I’m buying her a pair of Gucci trainers in a few weeks, I means ffs lol.

Not seeing her grow up had obviously had a huge affect on me, my partner took me to the doctors years ago and said she thinks I’m suffering from depression and worried about me, I broke down a little when I told the doctor about not seeing my daughter for so long. The doctor wanted to prescribe me anti depressants, so I refused and explained I have to feel sad tho because I don’t see her, what other way am I supposed to feel, if I don’t see her I want to feel sad because it’s natural. Anyway, the other day my little big brother was round visiting with his new pup and went round the flats with my son, we were shouting on them out the back and they couldn’t hear and I couldn’t find them, I went out in my car having a complete fucking fit looking for them, couldn’t breath right and on the edge of tears with the worst thoughts going through my head. I got back and they were in the flat with my partner and I went ballistic at my brother, screaming at him in front of my son. I was going on and on like a psychopath. I apologised but it was not right and I’m feeling shit for it, I’m sorry bro.

I need to escape, I need sex I actually relax during and enjoy. The last part won’t ever happen but I’m sure I used to be ok about it. I love giving oral and I want to push someone’s legs open then lick up there thighs and pussy. Yeah that would actually make me happy for a short while at least.

Its been so long since I really enjoyed something like that. Right change subject coz this will get depressing.

Total mind blank now, mind blank or dirty shit so it’s gotta be time to finish this up coz it’s Pervy and weird enough.

Love from Scotland x

Not guilty

I should have wrote this last night but sleep hit me faster than I anticipated.

The closing speech against me was horrible, damning, I would have jailed myself with the pictures and what they were saying against me.

The jury took around 2 hours to return a majority verdict of not guilty on all charges.

I feel terrible for my parents for having to have went through that to offer me support. I left the dock and hugged my mum, everyone smiled, nearly all the jury, the judge, the police in court and all the clerks.

I gave my lawyer 2 psychology books before the trial started and told him he is amazing at his job and a dangerous man in court. He was genuinely slightly shocked at a proper gift from a client and especially to receive it when there didn’t look like any hope to win the case.

My lawyer was ecstatic too, winning this case in the way he did will be a huge boost to his career and his own ego as well no doubt. He made a passing comment about being an amateur psychologist the day before the jury decide and next day received two books, one over 30 years old and hard to find that will be of genuine interest and gain to his career that he had never heard of so I’m confident I left a lasting mark on his life and he will remember me as one of the “one in a million” cases you hear about.

The trial itself was a spectacle because of the accuser, people were speaking about his outbursts and way he was acting every day I was there. Apparently they will for years.

When I was sitting waiting for the answer from the jury I was prepared for jail, the day before my lawyer said if you are found guilty you must be prepared so. Ring a bad with casual clothes and some money for being remanded till they decide my sentence. That must have been horrible for my parents, to watch me stand with my things knowing the only reason I have them is because I’m going to get over 3 years in jail. My dad looked the worst I think. Not nice.

I had no reaction to the decision. I felt relieved, but not what I would call happy. Later that night tho I lay back on the couch about half past 9 and the smile just waved over my face and happiness came.

Now i can think about things like holidays and investing more time and money into my business and stuff. Perhaps a trip to Canada to see the snow and 10 mile bridge, I would like that.

Anyway I’m in the bath so going to finish here so I can put my hands in the water and make it hot, really hot and lie back till I’m sooooo wrinkly I feel like I’m 9 again.

Love from Scotland x

Point of law

Well the day is finally over and it might well be my last night in this bed.

The jury will decide my future from tomorrow. If it’s quick it will take them under an hour, if it’s long it could take up to 2 days. I reckon quick and I’ll have a decision before or just after lunch tomorrow. Guilty, but I’ve got to prepare for the worst.

Right where do I start about a jury trial in a Scottish court.  It’s much like any countries court, judges stand up the top of the court with a table below and in front for the lawyers and then the dock for the accused. Behind that is the seating area for the public and main doors into the court room. On one side of the lawyers table there is a small raised and boxed in, single seat called a witnes box for any one witness to be cross examined. On the other side of the lawyers table there is the 15 seats spread across 2 rows for the jury to sit and spectate the proceeding.

Day 1 starts and they call the other party/ accuser to the witness box and the prosecuting lawyer (procurator) questions him about his version of events, basically guiding him through it as he goes so he can’t make any mistakes. After that my lawyer proceeds to question him but i have to say my lawyer is not a very nice man in court, he basically makes a living tearing people new ass holes in the middle of a court room while maintaining full respect of everyone else there. He’s fucking amazing to watch and can’t do him justice.  He guides the accuser to several outbursts in court and making him admit several things throughout the course of about 35 minutes of interrogation, the accuser ended up having a police officer placed at his box for fear of what he might do and had him caught out for lying in court. Then they called 2 police officers who confirmed they attended the scene of the incident after it happened. Then 3 other witnesses with different and conflicting stories and that was the end of day 1, or actually day 2. It officially started on Friday but that only had them picking the 15 strong jury from a ballot of 30 and having everything ready to start properly for Monday.

So back to day 2 or today to be clearer.

Today was one other police officer being questioned and then my witness to state that I had a valid reason for having the stanly blade and confirming I was at work that morning and not waiting to ambush the accuser so the meeting must have been by chance and not a pre planned attack.

After that it was my turn, this whole thing has been pretty stressful, and long at over a year since it happened. I managed to do well in the witness stand under cross examination, kept my cool, clear with answers and not evasive or aggressive in any way, more to the point I never accepted liability for the second knife he claims I had used to stab him in the neck, which is much harder than you would think with someone who’s career is tripping people up and making them admit things they might not have even done.

So they finished up questioning me then both lawyers give a closing speech.

Procurator first, he does a great job at making me sound like a loony who needs the jail for public safety before someone is killed by me, it was agonising to sit through.

My defence lawyer then gave his closing speech, he said before at would probably be 10 mins long, he raised and spoke for about 40-45 mins, he really did more than I expected and could of even hoped for, highlited every caught out lie and emphasised why not to listen to the procurator. He then emphasised that he is going to explain the 3 rules about qualifying for self defence and how I qualify for them and if he is wrong in any way the judge will correct him, he then successfully done so with the judge behind him agreeing so basically telling the jury he believes they shouldn’t find me guilty. And that’s the end of court today.

After I head home and we have family movie night with me my partner and our son, the good dinosaur in the living room all together on the big couch, after that round to my brothers to spend some time together in case I’m held on remand. Now I’m in bed and she’s asleep beside me, she still doesn’t know about this, I’ve told her I write a diary online but she’s not allowed to see it because no one I know is allowed, only strangers that don’t know me.

Right im going for a can of irn-bru from the fridge and going to smoke a joint in bed to help me sleep because I need to relax and get a decent sleep of more than 3 hours.

Peace and love from Scotland.

Ps if I don’t write for a while Canada I’ll probably think of you, that bridge, dragons, snow and a million other things about the girl with the sword and purple hair every single day, thanks for all the chat and advise chick 🐥 👍x.

I’m being called

Well the trial started Monday, the called the accuser on the witness stand for cross examination, he came across terribly and was removed from court 3 times on Monday and twice today. Two witnesses blatantly lied and nearly all statements are different versions of events.

It’s going well I think and I will be called to the witness dock tomorrow to have my say. I think the jury make a decision on Wednesday. There are three possible decisions allowed and the jury is 15 with majority vote winning, not guilty, not proven or guilty.

Right time for sleep so I’ll update again if all goes well. Peace✌️x