I will be expecting

In my parents, in the old room we moved into after my son was born so we could all be together. Instead its the place where it all clicked together so I kind of hate it here.

Had a fight with my sons mum at lunchtime, because I had been going through this new twitter accounts friends list, looking at who it follows. More names on it from when I found the guys numbers and she opened up and was honest about some of the stuff she had been doing. She basically says I can’t prove it so she doesn’t give a fuck, well not basically, literally, it was her exact words back to me.

She said she will phone when my sons asleep and I can go collect my things, I’ll have to move my car tomorrow night. Told her to arrange for me to buy out my mobile phone and all that shit, fucking hate all this.

2 children with 2 woman and failed both, this isn’t what I want for life. If someone had said to me in school this is what my life would be like at this age I’d laugh at them, even if I thought it would be true there would be enough hope in me to actually just laugh at them and make a joke about how sad that would be.

I hope I’m making the right choice, it wouldn’t be healthy if I stay there knowing, would it? Could you have a happy life in that situation, I feel happy when I’m sticking my head in the sand and refusing to deal with it. I guess it would all fall sort in a few years no matter what anyway then that would be more damaging for my son to go through, surely if there’s no hope it’s best to…….. I want to say run away, is that what I’m doing, running away from my son because I’m selfish. I wish he was here beside me right now, hug and a kiss from him would take these tears that’s wanting to burst through right away. Sometimes he just squeezes me as hard as he can and it’s like something magics happening.

Anyway I better go, I hope she phones me later and then begs me to stay and says sorry, and tells me who it is and that she promises it’s all over, this won’t happen tho so I’ll probably write again in a week or something.


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