So I’m free as a bird, I can do anything, go anywhere, all I need to do is get out of the storm and survive.
I should be happier, I should have been in the jail but instead I’m in my partners bed and my son sleeps beside me. Don’t get me wrong, I was just staring at his face there and can’t help but smile and think to myself I can’t ever leave you, never.
I don’t know if I should stay here tho, in this house, when I know she is cheating on me and she knows I know but doesn’t even care. I’ve told her over and over I’m terrified I’m going to kill muskeg and leave my son, and that he will hate me for it. It destroys me being with her knowing she still has contact with him, knowing I’m second best. I wish she loved me so we could have the family we used to have before it all changed. But in her own words “she loves me but she’s not in love with me and isn’t attracted to me”, so I fought and fought to win her back, till she said those words again and meant them but it’s never happened.
This is why I wanted to go to jail, to accept the plea bargain and use it as time for the wee man to get used to is being separated and then she wouldn’t feel guilty about having to tell me to leave and split our sons family apart.
So that’s the shite out the way, something else now. Ahhh the wee mans birthday party was last weekend, it was good. For his birthday we hired out a softplay for all his friends from class and got a pikatchu to come out and dance and give him a new mega GX Pokemon set. For his actually presents he got a Nintendo 3ds and games and Pokemon stuff and millions of other things too so he is obviously very spoiled but I can’t help it. I think it’s because I never got to see my daughter growing up I spoil my son, and my daughter too obviously. I’m buying her a pair of Gucci trainers in a few weeks, I means ffs lol.
Not seeing her grow up had obviously had a huge affect on me, my partner took me to the doctors years ago and said she thinks I’m suffering from depression and worried about me, I broke down a little when I told the doctor about not seeing my daughter for so long. The doctor wanted to prescribe me anti depressants, so I refused and explained I have to feel sad tho because I don’t see her, what other way am I supposed to feel, if I don’t see her I want to feel sad because it’s natural. Anyway, the other day my little big brother was round visiting with his new pup and went round the flats with my son, we were shouting on them out the back and they couldn’t hear and I couldn’t find them, I went out in my car having a complete fucking fit looking for them, couldn’t breath right and on the edge of tears with the worst thoughts going through my head. I got back and they were in the flat with my partner and I went ballistic at my brother, screaming at him in front of my son. I was going on and on like a psychopath. I apologised but it was not right and I’m feeling shit for it, I’m sorry bro.
I need to escape, I need sex I actually relax during and enjoy. The last part won’t ever happen but I’m sure I used to be ok about it. I love giving oral and I want to push someone’s legs open then lick up there thighs and pussy. Yeah that would actually make me happy for a short while at least.
Its been so long since I really enjoyed something like that. Right change subject coz this will get depressing.
Total mind blank now, mind blank or dirty shit so it’s gotta be time to finish this up coz it’s Pervy and weird enough.
Love from Scotland x