Crossroads

Dont know where to start, found a way to see the mobile phone bills online for past 3 years nearly. Lots of numbers, lots of guys, mostly from west end, some England. 10 minute call to payment line for construction equipment, I called and it’s for payments if you want to buy or hire huge building equipment, or stay on the line to be put through to member of staff to speak directly. Longest call 1 hour 29 mins. I asked her about it and she got angry and shouted a lot at me in front of the wee man, kept shouting I’ve not done anything and I’m not the only person to have had that phone. All the calls have the date and time obv tho and I connecting them from my phone book to Facebook and most of them use it for messaging and it tells you there name and shows profile, there all her age and from where she grew up.

Have serious thoughts about the possibility that I’m not my sons biological father, certain things don’t add up and she had a std before he was conceived so it’s just another thing I’ve been hiding from.

My whole brain has been screaming at me ever since, want to die want to die want to die.

Was at lawyers again today, he said I’ve to give serious thought about taking the plea bargain they will offer me on the day of the trial, it will cut my sentence but st the same time guarantee that I do a custodial and possibly held on remand while they do background reports for sentencing so will mean I get took away to prison there and then that day. If I don’t I might get away with it completely on self defence or case through out by judge when it finally goes to trial or get a much longer sentence.

I sat down beside her, calm and as non aggressive as I could and said what my lawyer told me, to think about nothing but if I take my plea bargain because on the day I only have 10 minutes to decide. She said why, you’ll plead not guilty and that’s what we always agreed. I said back if there’s any insecurity in our family and our home I want to use the prison as a chance to force the brakeup and finalise it between us so our son doesn’t get hurt when he’s older, and what if I said I’ve looked through every phone number on your mobile bill for the past couple of years and I know you’ve been talking to guys. She hit out with a lot of lies and then said she doesn’t care anymore. She hasn’t phoned anyone or done anything with anyone.

I just don’t know

Hate myself so much, wish I was dead. Most of there Facebook stuff was really fancy hotels, stuff I couldn’t dream about never mind actually experience. He’d be better without me I fucking know he would. Even if he isn’t my biological son he’s mine and I’ll always love him. I hope he’s always ok.

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