You Want To Know It Didn’t Hurt Me

Im laying down after work before I go up to my mum and dads to cut my little big brothers hair. The to plays her dance mums in the living room and the wee man is in his room on the iPad, my daughter hasn’t been down for around 3 weeks now so I’m not sure what’s going on there but I’m sure it’s something to do with me or the wee mans mum, or her mum perhaps.

Court has a new trial diet date set for a couple weeks then trial starts again next month. I’ll be found guilty then given 3 and a half years in birlinnie or it will be extended again for another date or thrown out. Expect the worst hope for the best.

My eating has been bad, really bad and starting to show so it’s all layers and long sleeves again. It’s not affecting my quality of work or thoughts that much I don’t think.

Wish I was dead over and over in my head all day and night, I don’t like sleep any more, the restlessness and bad dreams have spoiled it for me completely so that sucks big time.

My little big brother was taken to hospital. He went to the doctors because he hadn’t been feeling well and it turns out he’s had a chest infection for a couple of months and his oxygen level in his blood was badly low, as soon as I heard I was overly worried and wanted to hurt everybody who had ever done him wrong. He’s OK now but to stay at our parents so they can watch for any changes in his health over a week or so.

My son is doing amazing at school and I can’t believe he’s going to the same primary school I did. He’s amazing at everything and his horse riding and jumping is unbelievable, his trainer is amazed at how well he does it for his age. A older boy pulled his hair in school and was swearing at him so that got dealt with straight away and the other boy will be closely watched. The hurt that filled inside me when he told me was immense, I just wanted to cry but I always hold myself together with him, obv as a parent you have to. So things are great with his education and circle of friends in school.

My daughter is going to leave after she finishes her exams and stuff to go to college so I’ve bribed her with a pair of Gucci trainers if she does good in the exams, she went absolutely mental going through the Internet to pick a pair but the novelty soon wore off and I’ve not seen her much since. She probably won’t be back up till her results are through and she gets the trainers, that hurts me that I don’t see her much but I’m glad she has a life and is confident enough in our relationship now that she can say no if she wants to. Ohhhh fuck I forgot I moaned at her when I was in a bad mood a little because I asked to see her teeth now she got her braces out and she wouldn’t acknowledge me, I asked about 5 times and she ignored me, so I replied that what she’s doing isn’t good behaviour for someone who get spoiled so much by me then walked off into my bedroom in a huff, no wonder she hasnt been up much. I’ll say sorry and tell her I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’ll do anything she wants to make up for it.

My relationship with my partner is so broke I asked her if she wants me to leave. I think she tried to have me attacked or something because I took her to Asda the other night and she got out the car and 2 guys were standing there, she got a trolley and walked up to the 2 guys then signaled me to get out the car and come over. I was with my middle big brother and he said that one of the guys is the guy I was fighting with and have the ongoing court case about the altercation, the other guy I know and don’t like (she was with this person a few weeks ago when I arrived to pick her up after work). So she tried to get me out to these 2 people aver and over so I said to her to get back in the car and one of them starts shouting threats at me and all that shit, I’d have got out my car but he knows if I approach him never mind fight him I brake bail and then I’m held on remand till my case is dealt with. I’m so confused about this, would she try and set me up? Would she cheat with one of them and that’s why the persons been about again?. I feel she hates me and just doesn’t want to hurt my son by braking his family up.

I drove one day, for hours, for a big bridge to jump off, really big. I couldn’t do it from the erskin bridge because it would be too close to home and everything I know. So I drove and drove then pulled in for a cigarette and practiced what I would think about while falling, and cried about the state of my life, or what I feel to be the state of my life. And thought about the affect I’m going to have on my son. I don’t want him to feel the way I do, if I stay I’m probably going to ruin his life anyway and if I go statistics so I’m going to ruin his life as well. What’s the lesser of these fucking ruins A or B? I can’t actually amount to anything for him to be proud of, so I want to run away and kill myself and force the worst possible outcome but I can’t do that to him, I don’t know, if I’m gone and she moves on, she’d probably get something much better than me, then the wee man has a much better father figure in his life, and his mum will be happy so she won’t shout so much and home life would be quieter and more comfortable and secure for both of them. She’d probably get someone flashy and they would all do great luxury holidays twice a year with great family pictures of them all together.

I want to burn myself again, it’s the only thing I don’t do any more, that would be nice, the screaming pain.

Right ive got to go and see my little big brother and cut his hair, it’s horrendous ffs so can’t put it off lol

Love from Scotland x


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