Running Up That Hill

It’s 2:27am, totally silent and pitch black except the light from my phone.

My mum has been acting really different and negative all the time, she’s always moaning about my dad and how he’s always not well. I’m beginning to get concerned because it’s out of character.

It’s all the time for a while now, and I think I’ve just been ignoring it and putting it down to….. Dunno, something or anything really but her health.

I think I’ve got issues with my mum because of something from when I was in primary 6 or 7. And I feel I want to let go of it but can’t. I’ve never spoke of this to anyone and at the time I just wanted it all to just blow over and me not to be a part of it anymore. It’s been on the tip of my tongue with my sons mum but I don’t think I can ever tell her for some reason. Like it’s not my secret to have authority to decide who knows.

She took me with her one day to see some man at his house, we went in and they put a video on for me to watch then said they have to go talk about stuff upstairs and disappeared for a while. After on the way home she told me I can’t tell dad and by the time I got home had totally forgot about it. So we pulled up and my dad was at his car in the driveway and asked where we had been and I announced uncle so and so, but it was like he knew anyway. He instantly raged at my mum and sped off saying he isn’t coming back.

Now my mum is screaming it’s all my fault and all my brothers hear her so they wait till she goes into her room and interrogate me, and blame me for dad leaving, but I don’t want to say anything about what’s happened to them because the first time I mention it dad leaves and it’s all my fault.

I hated that time. It’s like a blank after that and I can’t remember dad coming back or anything at all like school or that either.

I know I hold a grudge about it with my mum, I think about it all the time, his words and the way he got a kick out telling me he was taking my mum up to the bedroom to “talk” with a sleazy laugh and grin.

I feel sick writing this and thinking about it, I hate having negative thoughts about my mum so much. It’s like I want to brake down and scream at her as loud as I can and tell her that’s a fucking horrible thing to do.

Anyway, I’ve been good on the weight gain (kind of) and eating but have had a couple bad days. I’ve not been bad to myself in a little while and no longer have to wear my plaster on my left hand to hide burn marks. I still wish I was dead an awful lot and hate the sight of myself and want to hurt mysel quickly and slowly in as many ways as I can but I’ve managed to keep these thoughts deep in my brain.

My son is excelling with his horse riding lessons and also school too, his behaviour in the house is questionable at time and in school he is the perfect child, so that’s what you would expect from a healthy young kid lol. He’s still grinding his teeth tho.

My daughter is doing well in school too and will be studying for exams soon, she will pass with decent grades. She is so beautiful I still honestly no word of a lie, I just stare sometimes thinking how the hell did anything from me be so beautiful.

Plans for next week, watch the new TMNT 👍 (You are awesome my friend, thank you for letting me know). Have you watched the new Westworld yet, I was very pleased with it. Hope you are well and big love from Scotland x

Right it’s 3:18am so better try get some sleep. Strength in continuance ✌️

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