I see a darkness

Well I’m back, again, why and how I don’t know, I’m beginning to think of when I was a teenager and sitting alone in the silent house, thinking this must be what it’s like to die old and alone. I was actually thinking this is how I’m probably going to die, old and alone.

People are beginning to give me a little free done again since…. I don’t know what to write here. Since my usual, failure at anything I try. I’ve been bad to myself again but not bad enough, I deserve. No. Change.

Whenever I used to work, cutting hair, about 2pm or so I used to daydream about school a lot. Like full blown reliving random times in my head. I would remember the hit summer lunchtimes in the playground that seemed like an eternity. I never really fitted in or anything  but I still enjoy looking back on it.

I wonder what it would have been like to be one of the IN crowd, doing normal things like styling your hair and going on summer holidays every year. And being in school on time and going up to a table of friends for registration instead of arriving late, a mess and sitting yourself. Walking to the shop in the group at lunchtime.

I had friends, not many and nobody called me there best friend or anything but I wasn’t a total loner but the ones that did let me mingle weren’t the ones I should have been mingling with.

I miss most of being a kid, I want to go back and try and change my bad memory. I never tried to do anything, I should have shouted or cried, I didn’t even cry at the time ffs. I actually think sometimes I wanted it to happen, that I liked it. why else would I not have done anything, and all these feeble attempts at suicide is just because I know I wanted it to happen and feel guilty. I don’t know.

Must sleep now, heads spinning.

 

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