Im scared and alone

Well last Friday I was arrested for an stupid thing between me and the guy that was threatening my brother. The charges have been dropped from attempted murder to serious assault and disfigurement, I honestly acted in self defence and have been stabbed in the back of my left hand.

Things are even worse between me and my sons mum now because of it. She looked genuinely happy when I was released on mondayvmorning after court, I really shouldn’t have been granted bail but somehow in out.

Anyway the guy choked my windpipe for some time before I was able to get free from him. When he was choking me I could still breath a little bit at the start, not good but I could still breath. After a little while he completely closed my windpipe and I couldn’t breath at all. I nearly blacked out and my vision went funny before a somehow made him loosen his grip, I staggered back to my car and drove off with him kicking my door telling me my family is all dead.

All I’ve been thinking about is choking like that, like hanging yourself isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s kind of peaceful the way even with all the panic you are doing and begging for your life that your vision just slowly fades away and goes blurry.  I’ve thought a lot about hanging myself the past few days, I’ve even learned how to tie a noose knot. What will happen to my kids tho?. How much will it really affect them and for how long?.

I still think the next time I try I will use natural gas like helium and make myself a exit bag, I’ve researched this for a couple of years now and it seems the best way to actually succeed. I have to have the neck right and the tubing going into it very secure with a decent length so when I fall over or struggle at the end I don’t mess it up by pulling the tubes out or stopping the flow of helium.

I think I’ve spent well over 70% of the time I’m awake going through it in my head. Now I’m trying to imagine just feeling happy as I start it and hoping I don’t have second thoughts, there’s always second thoughts about things but all I see is positives if I go, the only worry is will someone love my kids and protect them as much as they need to be, life is hard and I don’t want them to feel the way I do about my life.

My son always says things are his fault, please if there is a god help him be happier than I am never let him think anything about me is his fault.

Hang myself or natural gas?. If I risk using gas what if I don’t get round to buying it because of whatever feeble excuse or reason. If I hang myself then all I need is easy to find. I want to go away somewhere to do it but I don’t want to feel cold as I go, I want to feel warm when I’m leaving. The warmth makes me feel safe so that’s what I want.

I want to die warm


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