A perfect moon before me

Well I’m sitting on the couch and perfect moon sits in the sky outside the window. It’s 2AM and I should be sleeping for work tomorrow but that can wait, I would t fall asleep just now since I’m not tired.

well my bday wasn’t very good, my car broke almost immediately after work so I spent the night trying to fix it. My son picked me trainers, he said he wanted to buy me superman trainers but wasn’t allowed so that made me smile in a brief moment of happiness before my car broke   a short while later and stole any chance of free time I had.

The one thing I wanted and actually begged for instead of a present was for a massage from his mother, she promised it back and because I was late to hers it was too late and she was watching dance moms on her iPad instead.

This actually really hurt, even after everything else a little thing like a broken promise from her still breaks my heart. All I wanted to do was cry but not because she never gave me the promised massage, but because she never wanted to give me it.

Why would she want to try and relax me or say thank you for all the money ive given her and about to give her again.

I wanted to cry every second of that day but never. The dream I woke from was as nasty and horrible as ever so the morning was worse than usual right from the start but there was just not a single good thing other than my son wanting me to wear superman trainers.

He fell into a doorway yesterday and nearly split his head open, the bump is huge but he isn’t really actually that bothered by it. Words don’t explain this bump, it’s Stupidly big and was taken to hospital just as a precaution because it’s his head he bumped. It never broke the skin so all the bleeding  happened under the skin between it and the skull, which in turn caused the swelling to be soooo bad.

So that night I played with him extra long with bubbles and ninja training (that’s him copying TMNT stuff) and anything else he wanted to do. I’ve been playing lots with him recently because I feel shit about being his dad and not having anything to give him or being able to take him places, so I spend every spare second j can just doing anything he asks and he has become very clingy to me. When I have to leave now he grabs onto my leg or won’t let go of my hand and crys really badly, he also grinds his teeth In his sleep but his stutter had never came back so things are definitely better there.

My daughter still barely talks to me again and rarely comes to see me, I still think a lot about the time I lost with her and wonder what it would be like if she grew up seeing me.

I would like to say thank you to Canada for my birthday wishes, they mean a lot to me. Probably more than you will ever know but it’s always a buzz to see you write to me.

Your teddy sounds great and it did make me smile when you announced it that you have him.  I’m trying to think now if you said his name. It honestly stirs real emotion in me that you tell me such wonderful and intimate things. I think its kind of intimate information, I thjnk?.

I really hope I never made you feel awkward with the Skype message, j feel like a tit for even sending it. I wanted to, really wanted to but just feel kind of stupid or to forward for sending it, j dknt know.

Fuck it’s really late, 3:08am, really need to get some sleep for work tomorrow, thanks again Canada and I’m glad to hear from you, missed you lots and love from Scotland 👍✌️X


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