More scars but this time there not mine

Well I’m watching my ex and my son again. I’m in bed beside her while she sleeps.

I left her alone at the weekend from Friday and came back on Sunday night because she sounded upset on the phone. When I arrived I noticed she has fresh cuts on her wrist.

I asked her about them and she says there nothing, I tell her she doesn’t have to lie to me, that she has seen me do worse to myself and I won’t judge her. I tell her I only want to know if she was cutting her wrist because she was upset at life or if she was just wanting the distraction, the pain.

She says she just wanted to hurt herself, to make herself feel pain. She stares at the cuts with embarrassment and explain to her about how the guilt and disgust of the scars is usually always the most powerful emotion after self harm. There is no comfort after it stops, it’s all negative after the pain ends.

I was able to settle her but tonight she has been bad again, I’ve never seen her be reckless with her own life the way I am with mine. This honestly is breaking my heart and worries me.

Her old Kik account has had the password  changed and now has a black profile pic instead of blank from when she deleted the account. This means she has reopened it and put a picture of herself for her profile, she only uses Kik for one thing and it’s for exchanging dirty pictures.

This morning I tried my best to go about the subject gently because she is struggling just now, I explain I’m not having a go or falling out with her and certainly not trying to controll or dictate what she does but the best advice she can have the now is to stay away from Kik and be careful what she does with her Instagram account. She denies Kik and stumbles round the Instagram account she had recently been adding a lot of old male friends on. I assure her again I’m only trying to keep her away from anything that might trigger negative emotion but it’s no use.

I hate how she’s like that, I mean I get horny and have nothing to do about it but get frustrated. But I don’t go about sending pictures of myself naked or Dirty talking every attractive girl I see in the fucking street.

I have to change the subject or I’ll either go in a bad mood or die of fucking sexual frustration.

Ive not been able to write anything because my internet was broke and the village I stay in doesn’t have 3G, you only get GPRS. This means it’s hard to even load a page never mind actually write something.

Its only 1:31am, this is so early for me, my neck hurts because I can’t seem to stop tensing my neck and shoulders. I really want a massage, I used to pay for one every week, got stone massage. I loved it.

Every Monday I took my mum and my ex to get there nails done and I would go in for a hot stone massage. I would kill a cute fluffy animal for a hot stone massage right now, well not really but I would like one a lot lol.

The masseuse started getting a little too friendly with wondering hands, she used to tickle the back of my neck and play with the hair at the nape of my neck. Then she started always rubbing round my hips and down. I loved getting my neck tickled but not the rest and I’m glad she never actually touched anything she shouldn’t have, that sounds kind of poofy but hay ho, Im incredibly insecure about my body and especially that bit of my body.

Fuck I think this is sounding as creepy as Canada’s creepy friend so I think I better get ready and call it a night but before I go I have the strange urge to share some random info about socks. I’ve always wanted to try socks with toes, like the socks that look like gloves for your feet. I don’t know why but I think they look awesome, obviously mine would have to be manly ones with batman signs or something.

Well goodnight and love from Scotland 👍✌️X

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