Why Can’t I Do This

Well a quick glance back through my posts and I see it’s been around 2 weeks since my last positive post. I’ve got to pick up a little, get motivated to keep going and do well to get this money together.

Today I went to work, managed to get through the day but I had to endure questions from the girl I work with about if I ate breakfast and last time I ate, all that shit. It actually surprises me that this person asks me these questions with the look of genuine worry on her face these days. I think its beginning to show that I’m not coping with the changes very well.

We’ve spoke a lot about bad eating habits in general and she has her own body image issues too, she recently done a modelling thing to highlight eating disorders and how girls see there body compared to what they see in the magazines and on tv.

It surprised me so much the first time she spoke negative about herself, about her body. In my typical male eyes, she is what you see in a magazine. The amazing body and long blonde hair with pretty face, yet she still obviously see flaws. After that we have both kind of opened up a lot about certain stuff, told each other minor but secretive personal things. Nothing huge but enough to certainly have made the workplace quite special at random occasions.

Ive been drinking a lot more fluids so I feel a lot better for that I think, I kind of have a feeling of hatred against myself with every sip tho for allowing myself the luxury of water or juice. I’ve ate half a baguette earlier that I was supposed to eat at lunch alongside the girl I was talking about but I never ate it, hence the awkward questions from her.

I say to myself I mustn’t eat anything from Saturday night to Tuesday and limit my fluids to a few sips of water or milk a day. I also tell myself I should start taking a few trays of high dose paracetamol and codeine tablets every night to hurt my insides but I try and push these thoughts into the deepest parts of my brain and lock them away.

I’m trying to think of the last dream I chased after reading about Canada. chasing dreams is what I call it when you wake up and try and go back to sleep to fall into the same dream you were having before you woke up. When you wake and your dream is fresh in your brain and awesome and you just need to be back there, it’ll bug you all day if you don’t and you obsess over it either way.

As a kid I always had dreams that I couldn’t run properly, I can’t remember if I was being chased or running away from someone or somewhere. I just remember always running down the same street and running so slow and being both angry and upset with myself, and scared. Also I had a recurring dream of fighting zombies with a lazer gun, but it was a nightmare. It wasn’t a dream I liked having.

The last dream I remember chasing was probably just before the brake up. That’s right I think. This dream is about a train station where I grew up, it’s got a very old small tower that pre dates the station, built some time In the 1800s I think. The dream doesn’t have the train station there but it’s the top of a huge cliff and the tower is there. I’m In my car and that’s pretty much all I remember about it just now, I dreamed about there a few times and always chased my dream those mornings.

Its nearly all bad dreams now, I suppose that might be part of the reason why I’m not getting to sleep till 4am and stuff.

Anyway, I want to drift away to somewhere, Rambo first blood was on earlier and it was actually pretty distracting for me. I haven’t been as hysterical tonight but I feel it at the back of my eyes just itching to get out.

Well I’m going to try and drift away or find something on tv, at 2:40am I should really be trying to sleep but no chance.

Love from Scotland 👍✌️

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