Well I’ve not seen my son over Easter or anything. I miss him so much, walking past his old bedroom brings me to tears. I’ve been crying since 7pm and it’s now 11:30pm. I feel sick again, I’m going to throw up at some point writing this.
I think I took tablets the last time I wrote but I’m not sure, I know I took tablets to hurt myself but don’t know if I wrote since then. It doesn’t really matter I suppose since I’m still here anyway. I want to cut and burn and pull my hair out. Does that make me a bad person? Or pathetic even?. That’s how I feel, bad and pathetic, a complete failure.
I used to worry about if anyone would tell my son that I was a good person, if anyone would stick up for him when I’m not there. It’s the only thing that makes me want to live is to protect my kids. Now I think it would be better if he didn’t remember me, his mum will tell him I’m a worthless piece of shit, just because that’s what best describes me. I think if i stick around for him I will let him down or fail him somehow. Well I’ve already failed him, it was my duty to keep his mum happy and content but I never. Not that I could, how could some skinny gaunt looking freak keep a girl happy. She’s better off without me and so are my children, I have to remind myself that when I think about sticking around.
I’m dirty and used and I don’t want my kids around someone like me. It will spread and they will have the same luck I had with life. They are better away no matter how much it hurts. They are better off and I know they are.
I have to think of a picture, I feel it’s the least I owe Canada. She reached across the ocean just to touch me alone, somethin I will remember and cherish. This is in with my most fondest memories, I wish I could say thank you for it in a fitting way. How do you say thank you to a hero tho, in a way I feel as much love for my superhero as I do my kids. If someone insulted her to me I would defend her with my life for bringing me up when I was drowning in sadness. You have touched me in a way I never thought possible, from a distance that I can’t actually comprehend. I suppose I will be saying thank you for the rest of my pathetic life for taking the time to look at me, past my failures and to tell me what I should feel about myself but can’t. I don’t even know if that makes sense, I’m not eating tho, I don’t care how mumbled up I get I don’t want to eat and fix myself. But when I say I actually feel love for you I mean it, you are a beatifull special person who is worth a million others. You are remarkable and I feel in your debt.
I have had little bits of coffee today and it makes me feel guilty, how can I hurt my insides and weaken myself for an easy death if I keep drinking fluids and taking small bits of food every now and again. I have to stop all intake, no coffee and no nibbles. I haven’t exercised in weeks, I have to use more calories than I intake to weaken myself. To make myself disappear.
The sickness is back, it reminds me of what it’s like when my pancreas plays up and I have to go to hospital. Pancreatitis is like someone blowing a balloon up really big inside your belly, the pain is alongside after I woke up from having facial reconstruction. Only the pain with pancreatitis doesn’t go away so easy. I’ve been in a few times because of pancreatitis but there’s been twice when I nearly died apparently, I don’t remember it tho. I remember I woke up one day and had a sore belly, it got worse and worse till I was collapsed in the living room, I crawled to my parents bedroom and tried to shout but couldn’t, so I tried to bang there door but couldn’t. I was just stuck there unable to move or breath, my middle big brother called and saw me through the window on the floor. I was took to hospital and I thought that was it over. Next thing I remember is waking up in hospital and the guy beside me saying fuck sake wee man, you were touch and go there for a few days. theres been loads of folk crying round your bed, even a girl from my school came to visit me and was apparently hysterical when it happened. I can’t remember tho, all I remember is the pain at the beginning then waking up in a different hospital bed than I was admitted to. The other time was just the same, pain then into hospital then waking up days later under observation with machines rigged up to me but in a totally different place that I was admitted to, a smaller ward where most people are in critical condition. I kind of wish I just died back then, or one of the other times I’ve been wreckless with my own life.
That would mean no babyD tho, and my daughter would never have been born too, that’s bad. I don’t want them to not exist, I just want better for them. I suppose I wish I died after they were born.
I don’t know what one of my children I’ve failed the worst but fuck I know I’ve failed them both and I’m soooo fucking sorry for being the way I am, please forgive me.
I don’t know how to finish this, I owe SE4B a thank you, it is nice of you to take the time to comment and it is always noted who is nice to me, I wish you nothing but the best in life and thank you.
I suppose I have to think of a fitting something for Canada now tho, what picture would express how I feel. What words will show you that you will be held forever close to my heart.