Well another day of shit, I’ve not ate yesterday or today. I have had 2 glasses of milk and feel guilty for having anything at all.
I have not been treating myself very well, I just want to hurt myself to try and stop the tears. I Continue to lose weight, around a quarter of a stone in the past month or 3 weeks. I’ve wanted to do something bad to myself all day, I’m not going to get anything in life so why continue. I try and stay positive but it’s not working. I woke up this morning and went back to sleep, woke up at some point and im still in bed and haven’t left it all day. its now 11:50pm.
My exes wee sister has tried to phone me over 10 times to shout at me for sending horrible text messages to my ex. They are horrible but unfortunately they are also the truth, I never made her do the things she did. She is a pic whore, a horrible family wrecking slut who doesn’t want to hear the things she does. She acts without thought of repercussions, I’ve asked her to help me move on and lose her old habits but she keeps doing the same things behind my back. She tries to remove my surname from my son as much as she can and says it’s nothing, my name is on his birth certificate and it hurts me to see her change his name when he talks about him. It’s like she is punishing me for not having the body she desires in a mate. There is no doubt in my mind that if I was bigger or more attractive she would not have done the things she has, so I feel punished for being inadequate.
Its my birthday in May, I am making it my goal to die before then. The thought of going on makes me depressed. There are a few things i would like to do before tho, things for my family and stuff. None really for me but if I could leave my kids something I would slip away very happy.
I would also like to draw a picture for Canada, she said she keeps things like that forever. I feel like Canada is the only person with any idea what is going through my head or how much I cry. I understand exactly what she says when she talks of not looking in someone’s eyes for fear of connecting your emotions, the thought of someone studying my face and looking into my soul scares me because I know I would brake down and cry in public. Like when my doctor asked me if I thought about suicide much, I broke down because I didn’t want to say yes but didn’t want to lie to him.
I wonder what I would draw tho, this is the question that I think most about recently. What would my picture to her be. A picture of an eye with two babies reflected In it, the eye has tears rolling down and is sad, the background would probably be the ocean with a beautiful sunset and gulls in the sky. A reflection of beauty and pain perhaps, I don’t know but that’s what comes to mind. I done art in school and loved it, part of the class was photography so I can also wind my own film into the case and develope them myself in the dark room. I kept so many of them and even had 2 framed that I put on my wall for years. One was my best friend through school and the other was the girl I had a crush on for most of highschool, it was actually one that someone else took and I asked for a copy of because it was really a great picture and we both looked so happy in it. Like so much I have loved it’s gone now, I met her brother one time years after we left school and he told me she still keeps it above her bed. I would guess her copy is lost too now, everything dies at some point.
The only person I cry in front of is my ex, she doesn’t like it so I try my best not too because I know I won’t get the hug to comfort me that I wish so dearly for, or used to wish for as I wouldn’t wast something like a wish on something I know isn’t coming. Even wishes won’t bring me comfort or the hug I desire. I wonder what Canada’s one wish would be, that should be my next question.
Canada says she doesn’t want our friendship to end, does she secretly feel I let her down wishing for death so much. I don’t want to say bye to Canada, fuck I wish I could immigrate there just so I could have someone to hug and admire, sounds stupid but it’s what I think.
You say you won’t be bored of this for as long as you are allowed, you are not only allowed but you have been invited. If there is anyone I want to see my soul it is you, all the beauty and all the ugly too. You also say you forget what it is you wanted to respond with and at times it might be too instant. Please respond instant or with whatever you truly think, I listen to everything you have to say and I’m glad and surprised someone actually takes an interest. More often than not you are the only person that reads this so please don’t ever hold back even if you want to give me into trouble for being negative in what should be a beautiful life.
So yes my question Is if you had one wish what would it be?
My selfish answer would be peace, I don’t want to cry anymore. I want the dreams to stop, I don’t want to wake up frightened and upset. My more acceptable answer would be to meet you in my dreams and go on an adventure, to receive a hug someone wants to give instead of feels they have to give to make things right.
I have to stop now because I feel sick, I have been stupid with tablets and they are starting to make me feel sick and tired so goodnight to everyone.
Love from Scotland x