The fall is closer now

Well it’s 2:21am. I am sitting in my ex partners living room and have been very upset. I’m sitting in the dark with the tv on and will sleep on the couch. I dont think i will stay here ever again.

Tonight I kind of cried some in front of my ex, we were talking about or Arguing about where we are with each other and the menthol cigarette that was in her ash tray, she instantly gets defensive. Aggressive and angry like before, shouting. At the end I started to cry, I hate being so weak about her. I wish I could just hold myself together. She instantly retreats and tells me she is too tired to deal with this and had went to her bed, she will already be sleeping without doubt.

I am embarrassed by myself again, I wish i never cried, it’s not desirable or strong. No girl would ever want anyone so pathetic and I tell myself this over and over. It’s not her fault and I can’t expect her to stay with someone so ugly and dirty. I don’t expect anyone to ever want me again, I don’t want to risk the awkwardness of being naked and putting it off. Just another really embarrassing thing, the most embarrassing thing. I hate the thought of having to have sex with another person for the first time, I managed to put it off for over s month when i first met my ex. She tried and I actually said no because I was so scared she wouldn’t want to see me again after it.

I hate seeing myself naked, I think about just cutting my private parts off. I never would but I almost wish I could do it to myself, self mutilation is what I feel I’m worth, especially that part of me.

The living room is freezing and it is making the leather couch uncomfortable to lie on. Not Canada cold, I think the coldest I’ve eve seen here is -14 about 7-8 years ago. Canada shovels feet of snow in -20 and below, that would make me take one of my cold shaking fits. Sometimes sudden drops in temperature make me take kind of seizures. I tense up and shake uncontrollably and my breathing stops. i also used to take minor seizures when I was younger but they were more, more what? They were kind of enjoyable, I liked the warm fuzzy feeling I got as they came on. I would feel warm and fuzzy then go dizzy, then I would crouch down or sit and start rocking gently back and forth. Hmmmmmm that sounds creepy actually, people always looked at me weird after them, not concerned but more like what the fuck were you doing that for. Like I chose to have a wee seat random places and fucking rock back and forward like a pure tit.

I feel a little less emotional now, I have stopped crying and pulled myself together a little bit. I got a message from Canada and it is again like a hug from across the ocean, you help to put me at ease and for that I can only say thank you. I wish I could do something to show you it is dearly appreciated and never forgotten.

Love from Scotland and a big thanks to the beautiful blonde and purple haired superhero across the ocean 👍✌️x

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