The Secret

It’s 2:00am and I am watching car stuff on YouTube in bed. I can hear the noise of the electric fan heater and my radiator creaking away, because both are on the upstairs is unusually hot. Uncomfortably hot and I dot like it but can’t be bothered going to do anything about it.

Today, the past few days have been pretty bad, I haven’t been eating again and I feel tired all the time. Things are as bad as they could be with me and my ex.

Its my sons 4th birthday on Monday and he has lots of presents to open, lots of TMNT and spider man things. Also a huge digger that lights up and he rides on it while controlling everything himself, it’s pretty awesome and I’m sure he will love it. He finally got his Michelangelo figure today as well while he was at the big toy shop. He went there with his mum and she said her wee sister took her but I’m sure it was someone else she went with. She is upset with me because I’m being a sick with her, I hate myself for it but I have to destroy it all. Why do I have to do this?. Why am I constantly thinking about it and not let go like a normal person would, I’m the one dragging things out.

My daughter is staying with her again tonight, things are a bit better between us now. But she still isn’t the same with me, the way it used to be when she would sit and watch DVDs wth me. I worry about her and my son a lot, I always worry about the most horrible and unlikely to happen accidents and stuff. Overreact to the slightest breach of there safety.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that day long ago when the bad things happened,the day my horrible secret was forced into me. I’ve always thought it meant nothing to me but ever since I told my ex partner about it I feel more sick about the thoughts, less mute and indifferent. I cant believe I told her my secret, I wonder if she thinks differently about me because of it. If I make her feel sick.

I remember the bad persons name, I remember what they look like and there house that they lived. I remember the joy I used to feel that someone cool and older than me was my friend. I remember him teaching me golf on the big stretch of grass that seemed endless, that’s where it all started, the first time I should have ran away from him and never looked back, or worse I should have done much worse but I was just too young. Was I 7 or 8, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter which, they are both too young anyway.

I think about this way too much, every day on the way into work is the same. No radio and bad thoughts till I realise people will know I’ve been or nearly been crying when I get into work, so I switch the radio on and try and pull myself back together. I feel like that little boy that wants to die again. I remember a little while after it happened being really upset in my bedroom and wanting my mum, she was in the living room and would have came through if she knew I wanted her but I didnt want to tell anyone, they still don’t know or I don’t think they know anyway. she put my movie on for the night and kissed me and made sure I had anything I needed for through the night then left me to go about her nightly business that keeps mums busy. I pulled the covers over my head and cried and cried while just wanting someone to hold me and make it stop. I just wanted to tell my mum and bury myself in her warmth and safety but I never did. I don’t know where I got the idea but i got a belt and tied it around my neck as tight as I could then wrapped myself up, pulled the covers over my head and went to sleep. I remember I could still breath too easy so stuck my face in the pillow to try and stop my breathing more. Then I think I remember trying to get the belt off or trying to untangle myself from the covers or something, I think I panicked. That’s all I remember, I think my mum came in a short while later to check on me and found me, I remember trying to tell her i was playing then couldn’t get it back off. A short time later I was walking home, right beside the bad persons house and when I looked up he was there. I stopped and couldn’t move, I just wanted to run away. He is 4 years older than me so around 11-12 years old, roughly the same age as my youngest big brother. I am trembling and just stood there as he approached me, he was angry but he didn’t want to come near me. There was blood pouring from his nose, eye and mouth. I ask him what has happened and tell him I haven’t done anything, he tells me it was my brother attacked him with a tennis racket, he is much larger than my brother in hight and weight but without doubt my brother punished him by any means necessary. That bad person will still look at himself in the mirror and remember why he has those scars over his face. My brother has never mentioned anything about it, not why it happened or even just that it happened, not a single word or funny look or hint that he must know something for him to have done that.

I want to forget that past and move on with my life, I don’t want things from over 20 years ago to fuel my depression. I would love to be normal for a day at least, a sample of what life could have been.

I have been thinking of my blonde and purple haired superhero friend a lot too, so to Canada. I have been thinking about how cool it would be to have a late night munch and horror movie fest with you and how much I would burst with excitement to drive over your huge bridge but sit there like yeah this 8 mile bridge is normal, my brain would have a million random questions to scared to come out. I think about what horror and sci fi movies you like and random stuff like that, hmmmm sounds kinda creepy hahahah. I wonder a lot about what you look like, obviously reading so much about someone you start to build an image and I dont like that, I don’t want a false image of you in my head so I force it away all the time. I picture a green zelda costume for sure tho lol. I am glad you cheered up and enjoyed your movie night with your friend, and it’s always the highlight of my day to hear that little old me is going through the thoughts of someone so beautiful and far away. It makes me blush with joy to know you think about me randomly lol.

Anyway it’s 3:35am now and work tomorrow so better go try and sleep for a few hours at least.

Love from Scotland 👍✌️X

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