well I sit on my bed, it’s 8:15pm. I can hear my belly grumble and my radiator creaks and knocks as usual. I dont feel well and probably should have went to the hospital last night, or at least make myself a doctors appointment but I wont.
I went with a friend to do a favour at a house for him. When I arrived I went to do what I was there for and was alone in the room starting up, I had to build something for him so started laying my tools and stuff in order to use them. As I was doing that my chest and head went funny again, it’s hard to explain what it felt like but it certainly isn’t right and felt like before when I had a mini stroke. I sat down and after a few minutes it went away so I finally started building stuff for my friend.
We finished up late around 11:30pm and it was at the other end of the city so had a bit of a drive ahead of me. When I was around 3-4 miles from my ex partners house I got a flat tyre, I got a flat tyre before Christmas as well tho and never fixed it so the spare is already being used on the car. This left me stranded with no spare to put on, so I slowly limped the car to park it up overnight and phone my ex. She answered and said I could stay there for the night not a problem. So I walked the 3 or 4 miles to her house in the windy rain while on the verge of feeling not well again.
I arrived where my ex lives and felt awkward, like it not my place to be there, like she doesn’t want me there or something, I don’t know if this is in my head or if it’s true. I feel awkward the whole night and don’t know what to do while I’m there. I’m always silent there and she shouts at me because of it, I just don’t know what to say though. She has hurt me and I don’t feel like she has done anything to say sorry for it. She just carries on like it never happened, I am not allowed to say I’m just not very talkative because I’m sad about what you have done behind my back and all the lies you told me. I don’t know what I am to her, I dont know what she sees when she looks at me. If she sees me as feeble and weak or strong and loyal, I just don’t know. I think she hates me most of the time with short bursts of sympathy and understanding every now and again. She still hides her phone, notifications off and on silent at all times. I haven’t seen it in nearly a month, probably more, now I think about it probably way more than that. She says it’s because I get funny about seeing her on her phone because I can’t let go of her cheating but I told her to start back up her Facebook and stuff and I didn’t care as long as she didn’t do the things she used to do on them. I honestly just don’t know, she has me questioning myself and I know I’m being played like a fucking tool again. And again I’m too fucking scared to seem like a controlling dick to say anything.
Horrible horrible horrible.
I have sent my ex a txt tonight saying I wont come back into her house and I think we have been sending my son mixed signals, she txt back aggressively. When I was there after work there was a single Richmond menthol cigarette in the ashtray, she lied about it and said she bought ten earlier after I saw her this afternoon. My son said mummy was shouting at her earlier and she told me her landlord was inside the house earlier too, I fear she has had the other guy in her house today and been shouting at my son to stay Inside his bedroom.
I will never win when it comes to her, I can’t win. It’s like my daughter all over again, I have a problem that a stronger person would easily overcome but I’m too small and fragile to even attempt it.
I feel she has crossed the line and thinking this makes me feel like I have too, I fear I have embarrassed a friend with my writing, feel like curling up and dieing. I read it back and want to delete it all because I don’t want her to think I’m some kind of freak. I only want to make her smile and say thank you for the kind words, I would never deliberately try to make her feel upset or awkward, I hate feeling upset and awkward I don’t want to think I made her feel the same way when she was nothing but nice to me. I apologise profusely I really do. I don’t want to be the one that crosses the line with people’s comfort zones.
I think I’m really clingy, people don’t like clingy. I try and always just not say anything and don’t do anything I’m not asked to do because that way I don’t bring attention to myself. I’ve been spending more time with the tv off because I don’t really watch it, I would only really put it on for the sound in the room. I’ve been disconnecting myself from my friends a little too, especially the one I was with last night, him and his girlfriend are more my ex partners friends now. I’ve been less into cars and boxing for the past couple of years, since things first got bad with my ex. I think what’s the point about nearly everything I used to take joy in doing.
Anyway this is going nowhere so I better go.
A big sorry from Scotland x