The Things That Hold Us Together

It’s 2:40 and I’m watching car stuff on YouTube. Today I woke up around 1pm, a long sleep I needed, I have ate well and met my friends at my ex partners, things are still weird there. I don’t like it but I don’t know what to do about the situation.

I am so tired I think I might actually sleep well 2 nights in a row, no nightmares and no sweats.

My chin and lower lip still feel like I’ve burned them, any time I get a new dentist since my jaw was broke they are usually shocked by the scars along my gums. I had to get two metal plates on each side of my jaw and my left cheekbone raised back into place because it broke and sunk inside my face a little.

After I was assaulted that Xmas eve I went home and went to sleep because I was drunk when it happened and the adrenalin meant I was able to get up and act normal after it. The next morning, Christmas morning I woke up and went downstairs. The pain wasn’t that bad, probably because I was still full of adrenalin. So I went into my parents living room and my oldest brother was visiting with his wife and 2 young kids, he looks at me and tells me I need to go to the hospital. He doesn’t even ask what’s happened, just go to the hospital right now. I look in the mirror on the wall above the fireplace and hardly recognise myself, my head and face have swollen to nearly twice the size they should be, I am bruised from my eyes and forehead to my shoulders. My mum and dad take me to A&E at the hospital and someone examines me, announces that he thinks I’ve broke bones in my face and jaw and I will need X-rays immediately, he asks if I have been in a car accident. Turns out my jaw was broke in 4 places and my left cheek was broke and nearly 1.5 inches inside my face. I don’t remember much from Christmas night except I was to be operated on the next morning and the surgeon coming to do it was a very accomplished facial surgeon and it was a big deal he insisted to come himself when he heard about my injuries. I had my jaw rebuilt and 4 metal plates to fix it back together, 1 metal plate goes over my nervous system for my lower right hand side of my face and the nervs are damaged giving me a constant feeling of pins and needles or a burning sensation mostly, and the tip of my tongue tingles. It’s weird but you get used to it like its normal because it never goes away so kind of is normal, hmmmm I hope that makes sense lol. For my cheek they use a thing that looks like a shoe horn. They make a cut at your temple and slide the big horrible thing inside your face and under your cheek bone, then they pull back on it and the big lumpy bit pushes your cheekbone back up from inside your face. I watched that being done on tv after it and wish I didnt, I can’t believe it’s happened to me, it’s gross.

The pain before the operation was bearable, probably only because of the adrenalin but it was still bearable. The pain after the operation was the most I have ever felt. I woke up and my youngest big brother was there, he asks how I feel, I say I’m fine. I remember this like yesterday. I say I’m fine and I’m a bit sore, the nurse is there so I ask her for something for the pain, she refuses and says I’m not due it yet. I say nothing back. Within 30 seconds my face explodes into the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt. Like someone exploded my face from inside then continued to hit it with hammers all over. I am screaming, tears are not pouring from my face. All I can do is moan through my mouth while trying not to move. I think I opened my mouth or something when I spoke to my brother, not a good move and my mouth will not open for some time now. My brother gets the nurse and they inject me with a healthy dose of morphine, I am unconscious for several hours.

I get out the hospital a few days later and life was very different, I couldn’t let anybody touch my face for years after it, around 4 years I think. Perhaps longer now I’m thinking. Kissing is different now, it feels more sensitive so I think I have to start kissing as soft as I can now and build up slowly to get used to the way it makes my lower lip tingle, like my lower lip is electric and fizzing. I had to get another operation a year later to remove 2 of the plates to see if it helped with my nerve damage and one of them overlapped my jaw, it was kind of uncomfortable so glad they removed those two tho it never helped my nerve damage any. I was on a liquid diet for 3-4 month after it happened, I could just fit a straw inside through my teeth, that’s how wide I could open my mouth. I thought they would wire it shut or something like you see in the movies but apparently they don’t always do that.

Writing this makes me think of my beautiful friend from across the ocean, she wrote about something once that this reminds me of. I shall have to read it again.

So my beautiful friend with the glowing blonde and purple hair, I lay here in my bed dreaming of dragons under the ice, I wonder if they are peaceful or if they fight each other in epic battles under the ocean that nobody can see. I wonder what the sky look like above the ocean, I would love too look through a telescope with you in the middle of some beautiful nowhere on the coast of your beautiful Island. We could drink hot chocolate with marshmallows and build a small fire to keep us warm in the cold snow.

I lay and wonder exactly what you look like, what subtle hints of beauty fill the air when your around, would it be vanilla or something else. I wonder what games we could play and what games you used to play. Your pictures look amazing, I want to paint the snow with my beautiful blonde and purple haired superhero. She fights to make the world a better place and I would love to fly by her side and make snow forts or go to secret places that only we know about, our secret places. Or drive for hours and hours while you pic the music and tell me beautiful randomness.

How I long to know the hero behind the mask, thank you my beautiful blonde and purple haired superhero, I hope you have a great day my friend across the ocean.

Love from Scotland 👍✌️x

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