Dead Dogs

So today has been good, I had a mass gain shake for breakfast, cheese and ham wrapp for lunch and another mass gain shake after work. Work itself was pleasent enough, felt anxious walking in as usual but nobody even looked when I walked in. I soon settled into a good pace and frame of mind to cope with the day.

After work I went to see my son, we played a plane simulator game in the iPad, even tho I felt uncomfortable around my ex and being in her house I feel really comfortable as soon as I’m up on his bed with him. I wish I could sleep in with him, I only did it a few times when he was young and would love to have an excuse to do it again. I never got the chance with my daughter, she slept on my chest once for an hour when she was about 1 month old, the coal fire was burning and it was late at night, around 11pm. Me and her mum broke up when she was around 4 month old, her mum instantly stopped me seeing her. I got to give the odd random visit but then from her being 11 month old it was completely stopped and I had to go through court to try and get visiting rights. It didn’t go well, she tried every dirty tactic and lie she could. I started drinking every night, then every morning as well. The time flew by, lawyers visits and court dates were the only mornings I didn’t drink.

I was around 21 and in a really bad way mentally, my relationships with my friends are all falling apart and I was on complete self destruct mode. Then my father said I should come down and meet a girl that worked for my uncle in his shop, I said yeah that sounds cool. I go and meet her, I’m wearing a gray Henri Loyd duffle coat, black jeans and black rockport boots, I take one look at her and know instantly she is way out my league. Stunning figure, short blonde hair that’s dark underneath and at the back, white combat trousers and small White denim jacket. We exchange numbers and I was sure it was only because she was being polite and nice. It was around 12 years ago now. She stood by me for the court cases and lawyers appointments, mood swings  and massive cycles of depression. She always said you will get your daughter back and I always said I will probably never see her again, the weeks turn to months, the first Xmas presents bought but no one to give them to, they go in the cupboard, my most important possession. Then get first birthday presents, in the cupboard, again my most important things alongside my baby pictures of me holding her. The months turn to years and I cancel the court cases, I’m losing and giving up myself broke me in a way that I probably deserved, I mean who the fuck actually cancels trying to get to see there own daughter because the process is long and hard, everyone agrees I would have eventually succeeded in killing myself if I didn’t give up but that is no excuse for doing it. I’m among the scum of the earth, the worst of the worst on this planet, I really wish I did succeed in killing myself long ago. I am dirty and used, no good, filthy, damaged and deserve everything I get.

I gradually got on with living then one night 8 years after having last saw my daughter when she was 11 months old, I went to get my wallet. I couldn’t find it anywhere, everyone in the house knows something is wrong, there is bangs and crying coming from my room as I look everywhere for it. They eventually understand that i have lost my wallet and I keep the only pictures I have of my daughter in it, the only pictures I have of me and my baby. That is the closest I’ve ever been to a mental hospital, I was uncontrollably hysterical. I found the wallet about an hour later and photocopied every picture a dozen times but if I never I know I would have been sectioned or found dead somewhere the next morning. I don’t think I left the house for around a week after that night, my parents were so worried they went and contacted my daughters mother and begged her to think about things. About 6 months later I saw my daughter for the first time since she was a baby, more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed. Long blond perfect hair, she is beautiful like her mum, almost her exact double in looks and character.

At this point of my life I have more money than I need, a big house filled with granite and car worth more than a small flat, then I get my daughter back, it was like winning the lottery because it all changed in under a year. One month I drive a Vauxhall vectra and long to see my daughter then the next month I’m moving to a big house, spending nearly a hundred grand on a car and everyone around me is happy. I get my daughter every weekend and more on holidays, our relationship builds fast and it all feels comfortable and natural for both of us. We go from strength to strength.

1 year later and we are moving again, things are a bit tighter and my partner is pregnant but we are both over the moon about it, somehow we manage to make my daughter feel excited and involved in everything about the pregnancy. Everyone is just so happy, but it is all going to crumble, it will crumble and brake while we all look the other way, the good times always have to come to an end sooner or later.

So it all ends, but not yet, not here and not on this sentence, first I have been reading about my friend with the blonde and purple hair, the superhero, or my superhero, hmmmm sounds a bit weird lol, anyway you mention about an irritating little twat (you have my permission to tell him I said this and direct him here lol) in your class talking about homeless people making good money from begging. There is a tiny point of a percent (in the UK at least) that beg solely as a means of earning money, usually have a house and car and live rather well from it but the number that do this is next to none so hardly even worth mentioning.

Did someone mention snow forts, I watched videos on YouTube with people in Canada building them and they were huuuge, some had stairs and slides, wow wow wow but no chance of building that in Scotland tho.

I also hope im not insulting or annoying you by calling you a blonde and purple haired superhero, I hope it makes you smile but I will call you by any name you wish and apologise for being a dick if you don’t like it, you really have the traits of a hero tho so think it’s fitting for you because you battle through life with courage and hope while extending your hand to help others. I wish you nothing but the best my beautiful friend.

Love from Scotland 👍✌️x

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