12 monkeys

I sit in bed at 12:56pm, I have new questions running round my head I don’t have the answers for, I fear I never will have the answers to these new questions. My ex and my friend have both messaged me this morning, they were all together again last night at her place, I have not had the will to message them back. I won’t message then back, possibly never again.

I feel like a time traveler who is forced back to the past for the benefit of others, to live out my nightmare yet again. I wonder if this new problem will work out or if this is it now, the final nail in the coffin. I can’t fail this but I feel it’s my destiny, like it’s happened before, over and over.

My chin feels like it’s fizzing from inside and my lip is hypersensitive, the thought of anything touching it makes me cringe with discomfort. My leg is no longer sore, I know now why I stopped cutting myself and started burning instead, it’s more pain and it lasts longer, for me it’s more traumatic and i want that, it’s what I deserve. Yes, deserve is the right word, I thought about that there and I’m ok with it.

I have questions than need answered in less time than I am able to do so. I will spend another day trying to split my time between my past, my present and my future, they all have there own questions and problems that need fixed.

The present is the new biggie tho, what do I do now, my sons future is dictated here and there will be no going back to change the answers. I fear failure here, I would rather be dead and he could have a father figure who would do better by him. Perhaps that’s the answer. Take myself out the picture and it all seems so perfect for everyone.

Note to self, smile, don’t speak and don’t ask for anything.

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