Broken Mirrors

Well today has been what I would call a good day for me, I had a mass gain shake in the morning, well noon or something, around 600 calories of mostly oats in a glass. It’s amazing the difference I feel with proper energy being released to my system. I didn’t eat a lunch and went out after work but made 2 chicken breast and cheese salad for dinner when I got home around 11pm so a massive jump from yesterday.

I woke up in my ex partners bed around 8:30am, had a coffee and took them to nursery. I think the only reason she wanted me to stay last night was for a lift in the morning so she didn’t have to get up early for the bus. She seemed genuinely glad I was there last night tho, I don’t know what to think. Something has to happen so I can move on properly, I’m in limbo between hating her for cheating on me and protecting the name of who it was with, and having brief moments of madness where I think I could forgive her and live life out as if nothing ever happened. I could have gone on like nothing ever happened if she loved me enough to come totally clean at the time, I said give me his name and tell me about another incident I heard you speak about on the phone and I will have nothing to search for anymore and I will be able to focus on moving on. It’s the not knowing for certain if she slept with the other incident in what was our house at the time that really drives me crazy. I know she did tho, I can read her like a book, I know what her actions are like and if they are out of the ordinary, that is just as much a touchy subject as the other thing for her. Guilt is all over her, oozing out every orifice of her body. She is cheap, nasty, poison, dirty, these are her words about herself, the ones she chose to describe what she is for doing it, for the things she done and the way she done them. I hate to say this but these are exactly the words I would use too, the things the mother of my child has done, my child’s mother, it makes me sick to think I thought we were a happy family type thing. I know I knew and just stuck my head in the sand, ignored the problem, dismissed the signs. I also never wanted to seem like the clingy possessive boyfriend, controlling and throwing wild accusations at the person I loved.

Ive just read what I’ve wrote and fuck, it’s all about her. Have to find a level ground with her, I have to get my issues dealt with where she is concerned.

Better things, I’ve been looking up things on the rather stunning but also scary looking Federation bridge and things on parliament hill, all I can say is wow. I would love to go and visit such beautiful places, Scotland has lots of beautiful scenery but there’s always something about foreign lands I suppose, they will always seem more exciting and desirable than what’s on your own doorstep. The grass is always greener on the other side as they say lol. Glasgow was a great place to grow up as a child in the 80s and 90s, well kind of. There is lots of violence just round every corner if you are unlucky, and well I seem to be rather unlucky. I didn’t have my first fight till I was in 1st year of high school, so 11 or 12 I think, I lost that fight but kept getting back up for more, I fought him for the entire lunch brake, he ended up hitting me about the head and face with a big stick and someone pulled him off me. I hated walking home that day, everyone looking at me. My mum went mental with the school  for not sending me to the hospital. After that I would win a fight by any means necessary, I just didn’t care, I knew getting punched, kicked or hit with a stick didn’t actually hurt that much. I have 3 big brothers, one exceptionally violent, he used to beat me about my body really bad, he would call it teaching me to take a dooin, something I’m actually glad for because he taught me that getting punched isn’t as sore as you expect it to be, you always walk away after it, you always pick yourself up and walk home or go to the hospital. By the time I was in second year I had my first knife, thought it was cool like a right tit. Took drugs, harder drugs than a young teen should be taking. Took temazepam, bought 15 tablets, 10mg each. Take 2, wait about 2 mins and nothing so keep taking more every few mins. No idea what happens next except it’s all bad and when I wake up everyone knows more about the night before than I do, my parents tell me I came home drunk, ohhhhh shit. It’s a few years till I try abusing prescription drugs again but there are lots of others to keep me busy. Cannabis, ecstasy, speed and LSD are my preferred drugs throughout highschool and my young adult life. Heroin was never my thing, I hated what it had done to my brother, and my family, obviously I would have to try the thing so desirable it had ruined both my brother and my family’s lives and try it I did. Highschool, a couple of my friends get into heroin, smoking it at first, then one instantly jumps into needles. I hate needles, can’t stand the things, so anyway try it in highschool, take it no more than 12 times over 6 years or so. Drugs are big in Glasgow too, all drugs. Prescription, illegal, legal doesn’t matter, there’s a market for them here and I’m glad im not an addictive person or I wouldn’t be writing this on my iPhone lol.

So I suffered from being incredibly shy as a child but as I became a teen my insecurities seemed to be able to just vanish in the blink of an eye when I turned violent, any confrontation to me from another male would end in violence. Every weekend would have more violence so you end up with a reputation, so you end up a shy boy who can’t backtrack or back down but also too frightened to try and talk to the people you really wanted to, I’m a geek at heart not a ned. I like anybody tho, but even most normal teens can’t just intermingle between different groups, I had no chance. Ive no idea where this is going im just typing all the random crap that’s coming into my brain so better call it a night,

I’ve had fun tho, random crap is always funny in my eyes. I believe I have even said to someone that they write beautiful randomness, I will wash the sword off my arm tomorrow and replace it with another fresh Master sword, because I am my own master and I will brake all the mirrors I see just to tempt fate to take me on, or something like that or words to those effects, thanks for anything you have ever said to me and bye. love from Scotland 👍✌️x

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