Backwards

Well I’m having to stay with my ex tonight, she fell and banged her head. She has been feeling sick so I offered to stay and keep an eye on her in case she wanted to go to the hospital, she looked genuinely happy and relieved, she initiated a hug.

I Lay beside her in bed and lightly caressed the small of her back. I told her to breath in through her nose and out her mouth while counting each exhale. She settled, I stroke her hair and she is now sound asleep while a lay beside her.

She does not know about my private place here so it is not nice to write beside her. She knows nearly everything there is to know about me, even my horrible secret. I only told her my horrible secret as some stupid last ditch attempt to help us connect. I wish I never, she will tell. This embarrasses me just thinking about it. So I must not ever allow her to read my private diary, anyone and everyone else can read, but people close to me are not allowed. Not yet, perhaps, probably even, never.

So I lie here, wind howling outside. Wondering what to write. Well I have the sound of my ex snoring her fucking head off beside me too, haven’t missed that lol. I feel tired but know when I put my head on the pillow I will wake up. I went to a friends earlier and watched Top Gear, I have stopped watching it because, well depression I suppose. I stopped doing everything for a while, went into limp mode and then jumped back into self harm. The self harm I am doing well with, I think it’s nearly 6 month, but certainly over 4 now that I haven’t burned myself. I have a stupid idea that cutting myself would be a great way to start back up tho, I push that thought far into the deepest crevice in my mind. Eating habits will be the thing that puts me back into hospital, more and more people commenting things, I don’t like that. Since arriving to look after my ex, I ate a packet of crisps, 3 digestive biscuits and a buttered pancake with glass of irn-bru. That’s enough to make sure I have energy to look after my son.

I read about a distant friends dream, a dream of nothing but an increasing noise that scared her, a noise that should end but didn’t. This made me think of 2 things. 1 the film The Langoliers and 2 my own dream about noise that I had last year, a nightmare. I highly recommend the film to my friend, if I may call you my friend that is, and also if you even read this dribble lol. I would imagine you have already seen the film and possibly even enjoyed it. My dream was very surreal, my bedroom was flooded like a cube of water. But my bedroom was like 10 cubic miles and we were in a submarine. There were other people in my dream but can’t remember who, one of my brothers was there but that’s all I know. We are in the top right corner of my bedroom and have to get to the door in the diagnal opposite corner (confusing I know). But there is a huge creature in the water, like 100foot long or something stupid like that, and a kind of whale noise. So my dream was pitch black with this sonar noise coming through the water, hunting us. I remember feeling real terror every time the noise came, every few seconds. The closer the creature the faster and louder the noises would come. The dream lasted for ever as we went through the pitch black waiting for the noise to catch us and swallow us whole. I woke up and did not like it. I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out how I knew it was my bedroom, even tho it was too big, and filled with water. Strange how sometimes your dreams make perfect sense till you wake up and reality clouds them over.

I dream lots, very vivid. I remember most of my dreams and hate going to sleep at night because of it, they usually always scare me or are very distressing or disturbing. I dream my ex is leaving me, then I wake up and live the nightmare out in real life. I dream I wake up in my bedroom, open my bedroom door and there is a cemetery there instead of my hallway, then I walk into the graveyard fall to my knees and sob uncontrollably. When I wake up I’m crying hysterically and I am too frightened to move for a while. I have lots of shit dreams like that, they make me wake up crying and terrified. My ex said I speak a lot in my sleep too and say sorry and please a lot. I don’t remember any of those dreams where I say sorry or please. Ohhhhh writing that makes me remember. I beg and plead in the dreams where she leaves me, I don’t like those dreams, or most of my dreams, i don’t like most of my dreams.

Well I feel disappointed in what I have wrote here but still strangely content that ive wrote something. I can only hope it serves a purpose in letting people know more about who is writing this. Again thanks to the people who have ever said anything positive to me and hope you all have a nice day. love from Scotland 👍✌️x

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