Well it’s 1:01am, I feel exhausted but not tired. The sounds of my radiator, a hum in the background and the random noises from the roof, mice or nested birds. I’ve ate a cheese and ham wrap for lunch and 2 packets of crisps as a dinner lol. Not very good if I’m honest with myself.
Work was ok, late as usual but I’m the boss so why the fuck do I feel like I’m judged for walking In late, well that’s probably because I’m being judged for a whole load of shit when I walk in then, that explains that lol. I feel awkward in my work just now in case you can’t tell.
Finish work and drive home with my dad, i wish we spoke more, we speak ok but he suffers from depression and he’s been diagnosed with being bipolar too, he’s been really bad the past year or so, his skins been terrible and he’s just out from a small stay in hospital because it was going infected. I wish I could do something for him, something meaningful or lift his troubles somehow. I wish I new more about it as a kid so I new why he was always in his bed, I would have tried more to be better or something, I don’t know but it breaks my heart to see him like this. He is an amazing dad and looking back on how he managed to do the things he did suffering the way he does is just, I can’t put it into words I’ve got a big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes thinking about it. So anyway, I got home had a coffee, thought about far away lands again, with a bridge and more snow than I’ve ever seen. A land where there is a blonde with purple haired superhero who brakes collar bones and watches over party’s waiting for drunk teens to violate other people’s beds, she carries a master sword and can bounce a plate from the sofa with dangerous accuracy, tho they will deny all knowledge of this skill the legend States it’s true, or no wait…… It was me that stated it true, oh well that’s good enough lol. I can never manage to stay these places long tho so a quick snap back to reality and I have to go to see my ex.
chap chap, she answers, avoids eye contact, looks guilty, she’s been crying. I ask her what’s wrong. Nothing she says back. Into the living room, what’s happened I ask, you’ve been crying. I already know the look, it’s the look she had when she said she wouldn’t contact the other guy again. The tears, the inability to cry in front of me over such a thing, so she hides it. She said it was because she missed her mum instantly back then, she hasn’t been upset about that for a long time tho so I’m suspicious and push at her, she won’t admit it. Her family say they don’t believe she’s telling the truth about why she’s upset too, they think the same as me, she has more feelings towards the other person than she admits to. Tonight was the same all over again. She said she was ok and nothing was up then changed it to she’s upset and misses her mum. I know how to get the person she cheated with and that scares her, she keeps finding out about things I’ve been doing, perhaps he has too and fucked off because he knows I’ll cut him a couple of new arse holes for fucking around with my life. I sit, tell her I’m here for her no matter what has happened between us, I love her and hate to see her upset. She still has trouble believing this tho, she struggles with the fact I didn’t get violent with her and I broke apart, fell back to the self harming and starving, constant crying. I assured her she doesn’t have to fear me and I was sorry for being so upset but I loved her and it just hurts so much that I can’t stop crying, she was genuinely upset herself when she caught me burning myself, then how it was my go to for anything, just press the fuck out that burn. Anyway I hate and love her, give her everything I have or get, not half, I’ll give her it all and make out like I have more. I’ll give my kids my last, it’s the little I can do for them so I do it without hesitation or being asked, pathetic but unfortunately that’s all I feel I have to give. Felt awkward in her house, didn’t feel welcome, kissed my son on the head while he slept, whispered I love him, then left.
Went to my brothers and fixed his door, my brothers another big accident waiting to happen and a big pain in my parents backside, I don’t have the will to talk about him just now but I love him dearly, he just tests me at times. So fix his lock and head home.
Home, do a washing, it’s now finished and needs put in the dryer for morning. Upstairs the rooms pitch black, I hate it. I hate being alone, coming into a pitch black silent house is not doing my frame of mind any good, I usually switch the lamps in when I leave for work so there is light when I come home. Is this normal behaviour, or is it at least acceptable quirky behaviour?. I hate the dark, ever since my daughters mum and I broke up, never been able to sleep alone in it since then, doesn’t bother me if I’ve got someone to share a bed with tho, suppose that’s actually quite common. well it’s 02:02am and I’ve got a lot of bad feelings out of me writing this so suppose it’s been I kind of successful entry, for me at least anyway. I would just like to say thank you to anyone who has ever said kind words to me and an extra special thanks to my friend with the blonde and purple hair 😊. Here’s the list of 80s possibly some 90s anime for you, hopefully you will find some art styles you like and enjoy one or two of the shows.
Love from Scotland 👍✌️x
Dungeons and dragons
Mysterious Cities Of Gold
The Real Ghostbusters