Well I had a great morning, my son was here and I lay in bed all day with him on YouTube, we watched spider man stuff for hours, it was awesome.

After he left I couldn’t find the motivation to do anything so went back to bed and didn’t get out till about 5:30pm. Got a message I had to meet some friends at my exes house, why there, they were my friends and hardly know her. I wonder how much she has told them about me, I wonder if she told them my secret, this is making me feel sick thinking about it. There’s something not right with it all, I felt awkward the whole night, held my wrist and didn’t really talk. Wished I was dead at least 100 times, over and over again for most of the time I was there. I want something I can do to  distract me at times like this, I want to burn myself so I can press it. Or no, I want to be sleeping and not wake up, one big sleep, just the thought settles me a little, please please please I want that so much lol.

What now, I don’t know. Alone in bed again, my chest and arm hurt as does my head and my eyes. It’s 1:43am now and I’m not tired and have nothing to do, no that’s a lie, I have lots I could perhaps even should be doing, washing and so on but I can’t be fucked so that will have to wait till tomorrow.

My stomach feels horrible and won’t shut up, I’ve ate some small bits of chocolate and 2 packets of crisps, I might try and take my mass gain drinks again starting tomorrow before the exorcise and not eating makes me crap at my work.

Note to self, smile, don’t say anything and don’t ask for anything.


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