Life Is Turmoil – Turmoil Is Life

Well I was late for work again, didn’t eat, haven’t ate anything all day, coffee coffee coffee.

Work was ok. After work I went to collect my daughter, she still hates me, didn’t look at me, didn’t speak at me and didn’t even answer anything I asked her. I want to cry, I thought I would try to explain to her I’m sorry about me and her brothers mum, that it wasn’t my fault and I just never coped very well and I’m not acting myself and not sleeping. That’s the wrong thing to do, yeah?. I look at what I’ve just wrote and it looks like more excuses for me being a failure, that’s all they are really anyway. I’ve no right to try and make excuses for the mess my relationship with my kids is in, my ex cheated on me, she never poisoned my kids agains me, I done that all by myself. Don’t ever forget that. I’ll give her extra pocket money again, I want to see some sort of happiness in her face as she leaves.

Its only 9:10pm, it’s too early. I slept amazing last night, kind off, I was sweating in my sleep really bad again tho, I think my nightmares have started again but I just can’t remember them. I’ve not burned myself this year but my eating has been really really bad and I think about suicide more than I admit even here.

I am beginning to remember more things about the weeks before I was rushed to hospital around September or October. I wasn’t acting right, was around 100lbs and self harming pretty bad I suppose. I had a constant twitch for about a month before taking not well. I remember telling my ex not to get an ambulance so she rushed downstairs and got my parents. My dad instantly asked what have I drank or have I took something, answer to both is nothing I just don’t feel right. Turns out I was having a stroke. Got to the hospital and I remember them rushing me to a ward and connecting stuff up to me and my ex crying, saying she was sorry for everything, we were talking about her cheating when I took not well, not arguing just talking calmly for a change.

When i took not well at the house, when we were talking, I remember feeling sick, not I feel sick I better go to the toilet, it was more like I feel sick and by the time I stood up I collapsed and couldn’t stop wrenching. Then I felt something wasn’t right, pins and needles inside my brain, then my left arm and right leg at the same time, then it spread everywhere, vision goes. I remember hearing my mum panicking and everyone screaming I’ve turned blue/gray, then I’m at the hospital. I want to always remember the feeling of pins and needles in my brain and how much it’s like your going to go for a really good sleep, like the moments when your about to nod off and your head sort off falls down and you wake back up a bit, the feeling of death I suppose.

Note to self, try and find success before you go.

Bye, from Scotland with love


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