Well another night of no sleep, it’s 5:44am. I can’t remember the last time I was sleeping before 2am. I’m not functioning right, not thinking good.
My eating is bad again and Im actually glad at that, I’ve lost nearly half of the weight i was able to put on before Xmas. My belly rumbles all the time tho, really loud and everyone always asks have you ate yet?. Yeah I had a shake before I left, I don’t even care if they believe me or not, just as long as they change the subject.
I have to be honest here and admit I’ve been thinking more and more about suicide, I’ve not harmed myself by burning but I think about that a lot too. Just cut my wrists as deep as I can in the middle of the night, fuck all the research I’ve done on how to do it right, just go back and cut my wrists again, it hasn’t worked before tho so why do I really want to do it. I’ve got 2 new sterile scalpels in wrappers, I keep them hidden away but close at night.
I want to sleep, I would like it if I didn’t have to wake up. I’m so tired, I want the bad dreams to go away, it’s like they follow me with my bad thoughts. I hate myself. I am a failure to my 2 children. There is no reason I see for carrying on anymore.