My eating disorder

Well after reading the anorexia 101 post I felt like I could perhaps show the other side of starving yourself.

you see I dont starve myself to lose weight, I don’t think I’m fat. I look skinny. I am skinny. I hate my legs. I hate my ribs and my spine and my wrists, but not because there fat, because they are skinny.

All my life I can remember not wanting to eat, not finishing a meal, but looking at food with such desire.

By the time I was around 12 my mum took me to hospital because she was sure I was taking drugs, and that must be why I’m soooo skinny and my skin soooo bad. The hospital nurse undressed me and my mum said “see he’s not right and I want a drug test done if he doesnt admit it”, the nurse looked at her in shock. He is suffering from malnourishment, is he being fed In the house, she asks. My mum is angry. The nurse says this has took a long time and is not from taking drugs. My mum is more angry. The nurse looks me over, she notices the cuts, she looks me in the eyes and asks me to leave so she can speak with my mum alone. My mum is still angry when she comes out.

Now when your young and not eating your parents or family members will watch you and put meals out and encourage you, and it’s hard to get away with not eating, it’s not as easy to hide as cutting because cutting is fast and personal, you only need a second alone to do it. When you get older, you start to have the ability to say “I’ve already ate” to every meal and nobody knows any different, you gain the ability to really starve yourself the way you want to, the way you NEED to.

Now back to the start again, I don’t starve because I look at myself and see a fat person looking back at me. I starve because I want to die and deep down without even trying my brain told me that I have to do it when i was very young, because I want to die. I starve myself to death, not to fit a image or anything like that. Starving is simply another way I can damage my body, another way to help guarantee a sooner death.

I can tick most of the anorexia 101 list, and I hate myself even more for being able to do so.

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