self harm, starve and suicide

I’m 33, M, and losing my fight. I hate nights, they are when I find life hardest, when my brain really wants to destroy me.

I self harm, I burn myself on my left hand, in the soft bit between my thumb and the next finger with a cigarette over and over till there’s no skin left. I push my right thumb into the burn as hard as I can over and over and over. I cover my burn for during the day and pinch it when nobody is looking. I hate the scar it leaves, the scars I leave, over more and more of my body.

I wish I was better for my children, a better provider, a better role model, a better father. I don’t want to live any more, I can’t do it any more, I hold my children back and they will be better without me.

I actually hurt, inside my chest. I cry most nights and have horrible dreams so don’t like to sleep anymore.

I starve myself till I’m not well and layer my clothes so I don’t look so skinny. I want to burn, I want to burn, I want to burn, I want to burn. I want to starve, I want to starve, I want to starve, I want to starve. Please make it stop because I know I can’t win and don’t want to leave my parents upset when I kill myself.

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